It’s Not You

Hello all, so I’m back with a topic for that I was hesitant to write about but writing about my experiences and feelings is a part of healing for me and also one of the foundations of my ‘Thoughts of Chi’ brand.

Long story short, I’m currently healing from a sudden break up that’s taken me by surprise. I was told the whole “it’s not you it’s me” and all kinds of other excuses as to why he wasn’t ready to commit and be in this relationship anymore. I mean relationships break up all the time but I won’t lie this one is hurting me just because for so long I’ve had to deal with situationships and finally someone has expressed that they want to be serious and long term but then suddenly due to their personal problems have done a U turn on all of the things they said. At this moment in time I feel so numb as to why does it have to be me?

He treated me well, we had fun times and made memories but I guess that’s all they are now… memories and figments of the past. I do feel embarrassed about the break up just because of how much I spoke highly of him to my close people and how happy everyone felt I had become whilst being with him only for it to end in disappointment but alas this wasn’t my doing. This idea of a man changing his mind about his intentions thus leaving me with no choice but to move on with my healing is a feeling that isn’t new to me. For women who have been dealt the same kind of hand as me when it comes to me, you will lament and wonder when will it be my turn and why is it that this relationship that was finally given me hope in men has turned out to be a facade and take you back to square one. It is not your fault that a man isn’t able to level up to the way you ought to be treated. I say this because yes I am responsible for giving a man a chance and letting him in but I am not responsible if he decides to change his intentions out of the blue. In essence, it really is his personal problem not mine. Times like, this I start to wonder if I am the problem because some will say well you are the common denominator for your relationship and situationship woes I’m here to say this is not the case and it’s time this narrative stops being hurled at a woman when she is expressing her constant disappointment when being done dirty by a man.

This relationship taught me the fact that you know what I want from a relationship and from a partner. For a start you certainly don’t need a mouse who will question whether or not he wants to be with you. If he wants to be with you he will if he wants to be present he will no ifs and no buts about it. I have enough self-esteem to know that I can’t and won’t wait for a man to get his act together. I feel like it’s easy to take the whole it’s not you it’s me line and run with it and begin to question if you are the reason why but in all honesty it should just be taken at face value that’s it’s him not you. Some days are harder than others where your head may be down and eyes full of tears. I know for a fact I was off sick for 3 days because the stress from the whole situation actually started to make me feel sick. Even the sight of other couples makes me wish I was still in that position but nonetheless things will get better I believe that they always do. Even in this rut, I know that somehow God can provide someone better for me that is truly for me. At first a part of me didn’t want this relationship to end and I wished that somehow things can work out and he will see the light and follow his supposed feelings but now it’s just a case of accepting it for what it is, moving forward and being in a space that when a better man comes along I won’t be closed off.

In the event that this kind of man pops up the way you choose to react is down to you but prayer is key in times like this. I know my Peace, Closure and Apologies post highlights some of my reservations when it comes to resolutions from such scenarios. If you feel its genuine then by all means go ahead but if something in your spirit isn’t settled then leave it be. Also, the fact that a man is questioning whether he wants to be with you then he has the audacity to come back and try to get back with you ask yourself is this the kind of man I want to be with? I know for a fact that I don’t need a man whose foundations isn’t firm and is easily swayed into confusion about what he wants. Again if a man wants you he will do what it takes no ifs no buts. We need men who are sure of themselves and what they want not mice and cowards. Think about if you guys get married will this kind of stunt be pulled again? Men love to bang on about being the head of the house but fail to realise the responsibility that comes with it a fish rots from the head. You want a man that is sure and secure when it comes to life decisions not one who is indecisive and easily swayed by external influences.

I remember reflecting in my I’m Not Ready for a Relationship (With You) post on the idea of someone being ready or not for serious commitment. I feel like you know within yourself whether you are ready or not so please a decent person and stop wasting people’s prime years and time. Take that time to really assess what you want from life so that you stop damaging others in the process of finding yourself. Don’t bother pursuing somebody’s child instead just stay alone and work on being complete and content with yourself. It’s simply not fair to put someone through nonsense and an emotional rollercoaster in the midst of you finding yourself however I am grateful in a sense that a person showing their true colours in such a way is the perfect way for me not having to deal with such a person again because it’s very clear that you were not for me and albeit that’s okay. Just treat people’s daughters and sons with respect as human beings. If you know you aren’t serious or fully ready to commit the way the other person wants leave them alone to find the love of their life and stay away with your dysfunction.

Ultimately, it’s a hard pill to swallow but sometimes you need to take things at face value for what they are because there are simply no lines to read through. I know that God will strengthen me to move on and not harbour any resentment. Some things are for the best including the loss of relationships and friendships sadly but I believe that all will work out together for my good in line with God’s will. I’ve been in this position many times before this one is little different but nonetheless the principle is the same. Fall down 7 times get up 8 times and the fact that I always find a way through to get on with what I need to do has only been by God’s grace alone. It’s easy to try and worry about whether or not he has moved on with someone else but no enough of that! This is time for me to focus on myself and my happiness. He wasn’t the one for me and it’s a little sad because of part of me initially wanted to still be with him to be and the fear of having starting again with someone else. However, this is also the opportunity for a fresh start albeit it will take time to be okay and I want to fast forward to the time where I am no longer crying but I trust that time is coming it’s all part of the process of making me stronger.

Until next time guys

By Chichi Okagbue

Twitter: @IBeChichi


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